The Eye of the Storm

Hurricane victims often speak of the eeriness of the calm they experience during the eye of a storm.  The relief they feel in the sudden break of the raging storm is accompanied by the nagging feeling of fear and exhaustion in anticipating the end of the calm when the winds and the rain return in full force.  My first Mother's Day will be one that will always hold bitter sweet memories for me.  My first Mother's Day will forever be the climax of the storm followed by an almost eerie but overwhelmingly peaceful calm.

Friday, May 10, was one of those days every NICU mom fears.  It's that moment when you round the corner to enter your little baby's room only to find unfamiliar scrubs surrounding her little isolette.  A specialist from Mckay Dee hospital was in Logan and our pediatrician had asked him to just take a quick peak at our Kimber.  I called Shawn and he was there before the specialist had finished with his exam.  The news he gave us started us on what would be one of the longest, hardest weekends of our family's life.

He explained that they were concerned about Kimber's lack of development.  While she didn't have any huge and obvious medical concerns, they were worried about the amount of time she seemed to spend in deep sleep and especially concerning was the "floppiness" in her arms and neck.  He explained that even though she was premature and had a stressful birth (which can sometimes cause these conditions) it was not normal for it to be this severe or to last for this length of time.  He suggested we move her down to Mckay Dee Hospital in Ogden where they were more equipped to do the tests that we needed and would be able to consult with Primary Children's Hospital and maybe find us some answers.

The tests began as soon as we arrived and those first few hours were chaotic and scary.  We met new doctors, new nurses, answered questions, and asked questions.  At the end of the day we had lots of tests sent off and lots of theories but no answers.  An EEG was done shortly after arriving and it was discovered that our little girl was having seizures.  They started her on some medication but didn't know what was causing them so they decided to do an MRI.  Sleep did not come easy that night.  In fact I don't think we slept much at all.  Saturday was spent much the same way.  Lots of tests, lots of questions, not many answers.  Many of her test results were sent down to Primary Children's for a second opinion and consult.

Sunday morning, Mother's Day, we woke up and went down to the NICU.  Our doctor met us and asked for a moment to speak to us in a conference room.  He explained that they had looked at the MRI and that several specialists at Primary Children's Hospital had looked at it and while they had no official diagnosis the MRI is abnormal enough that they were advised to not bother with further testing.  Kimber's brain failed to develop properly sometime probably very early on in the pregnancy.  The front part of her brain is very smooth rather than having the folds and ridges seen on most brains.  He explained to us that while they didn't have an exact time frame, Kimber's body will eventually out grow her brain.  He explained to us that likely we only have a couple months with our little Princess.

I'm not even going to attempt to put into words the emotions in the room at that point.  Every fiber of my body wanted to scream.  As the doctor and nurses quietly and respectfully left the room, my wonderful husband held me tight and we cried for our little girl.

Shawn was able to give me a blessing.  I am SO grateful for a husband who holds and honors his priesthood.  As soon as the blessing ended there was the most peaceful calm.  I was reminded that there is Someone with a bigger plan and better understanding than I.

As I held my little girl, sang her songs and stroked her little head I felt a great peace and comfort.  I know that families are forever.  I am sealed to an incredible man who has been a great source of strength through this very hard experience and I am sealed to this precious little girl who for some reason saw me fit to be her mother.

We are so grateful for the support and love we have felt from family and friends around the world.  We have felt your prayers and fasting and have received strength we know is not our own.  

So while we know the full furry and hardest part of this storm is still ahead of us, when we hold our perfect little girl we are able to just enjoy every moment we are blessed to have with her.  We are so grateful this special spirit came to visit our family and we love her so much.

Thanks again for all of your support and please continue to pray for our little girl and our family as we prepare to make some of the hardest decisions of our lives.